Diciasette

Sometimes, waiting for a doctor's appointment is like waiting for the judge to deliver your sentence.

Death row.

Sedici

Yesterday, I was sitting in Bangi Kopitiam before my Jurisprudence lecture and I was scanning the menu to find a beverage to drink.  It was more of a case of  "Nope, that has milk, that has milk, that has milk, that doesn't have milk but hell no am I paying that much for that, that has milk, that has milk..".  So I just settled for iced tea.  It was too sweet. Remember to order for less sugar next time.

Such is life, being a lactose intolerant. A selective lactose intolerant lah, since I can drink fresh cow's milk and only one brand of milk powder available in the market.  Fussy tummy!

My posts here have been getting shorter and shorter and shorter. :/

Quindici

Sometimes when life gets tough, all I want to do is be stripped off all worries and just live a simple life. Cultivate the land, take only what I need.  Be one with nature. Ommmm.

Nah, not really. I can't remember what my resolutions are this year, but I'm adding to the list, if it's not already on the list- to limit my time on social media. Like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr. Okay, perhaps not Tumblr. I need that for motivation to work out.

30-day squat challenge #3. BYE

Quattordici

Sometimes I get annoyed when people ask,

"Are you on a diet? Why are you eating so little?"

No, I'm not on a diet. I'm just eating in moderation. Eating little in comparison to you?
Somehow, the word "diet" is attached to the notion of eating little to starve yourself to lose weight.  There are better ways to lose weight than starvation.  But that's just how I feel about it.

I understand that a lot of people eat according to their whims and fancy, and perhaps seeing someone eat less or opt for healthier options may look a little out of the ordinary.  Get used to it.

I also have beef (no pun intended) with people who put down vegetarians or vegans.  To each his own, live and let live.  Especially if you are a meat-eater and suddenly start to go without, it requires so much self-control to refrain from eating meat.  I would know, I was a vegetarian for about 2-3 months back in college.  It required a lot of will power as well as creativity to see what can I substitute my meat with so that I can get sufficient protein.  One thing for sure, going veg sure makes you hungry fast.  No animal protein to keep you full for a long time, you see.  So you have to eat often to sustain a good energy level to keep going. Coming back to KL and living with the parents, I found it hard to go on being vegetarian as they habitually eat meat at home, and I'm too lazy to cook vegetarian meals for myself all the time.  Haha. Lazy bum. So as you can see, it's not like I gave in to temptation.  Now, I only eat seafood, chicken and occasionally, lamb, with a side of plenty vegetables.

The biggest highlight of going vegetarian, for me, is that clean peaceful feeling you get, knowing that you haven't consumed any poultry.  A certain lightness in your stomach.  I've never been vegan as I cannot live without eggs. If there's one thing I will not give up, it's eggs. And dairy products.

I wish there were more vegetarian options.  Especially in UM's campus. Okay, maybe outside too. Not just the typical Indian banana leaf, veggie burger and sad salad.  There's more to it than that.  More vegetarian stalls, shops, etc. please.  If you can prepare food and make sure it's halal and all that, you can sure as hell make vegetarian food available.

Just a Sunday rant.

Tredici

You meet a nice guy.
You get to know him.
You like what you find out.
You discover similarities.
He seems perfect.
You start thinking that you both would be a good match.
You have good times together.
He takes you on a roller coaster ride. Figuratively.
You start falling out.
You start seeing his stripes.
You start to bare yours.
The similarities are there, but he is what you were.
You've changed.
He's changed.
You go your separate ways.
He enters your life again, out of the blue.
Your feelings rekindle.

The similarities are there, but he is what you were.
You've changed.
He's changed.
You go your separate ways.
He enters your life again.
Once bitten, twice shy.
You leave your expectations at the door.
For good.
You miss what you had.
But you don't want to go back to square one.
So you carry on.
With a heavy heart.

Hey! I'm alright, peeps. Just reflecting. :)

Dodici

Foods that surprisingly taste good. To me, that is.

1. White sesame butter. It's like peanut butter, but made of sesame.
2. Black sesame ice cream. I used to hate anything with sesame, but I don't now!
3. Green tea.
4. Tofu.
5. Hummus.
6. Dark chocolate
7. Meringue. I mean it's basically whipped egg whites and sugar.
8. Spinach.
9. Cranberries (in salad).
10. Apple cider vinegar.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, to be honest.

Ciao!

Undici

Had a terribly terrifying day today. Che?

Depressing day, I mean. Finally mustered enough courage to confide in my mum about it. Let's just say that she was surprised of the state I was in but not so surprised that it came to this.

"You stay cooped up at home all the time.  You rarely go out with friends anymore.  You've stopped doing the things you love, like eg. I hardly hear you play your guitar anymore. You're either out running or at home sleeping."

The sad, sad truth. I never knew she was so observant.  :')

She kinda gave me a short lecture, basically telling me that I need to get a life.  She said that I'm making myself unhappy and that I need to hang out with my friends more. I need to make the effort. For the sake of my mental health. Endorphines are not enough.

This is the first time I actually went to my mum to tell her something this personal.  I'm glad I did. She even assured me that I'm not crazy, and that if need be, she'll ask her ex-colleagues at UMMC for medical advice.

Here's to hoping the following days will be better.

Dieci

It's just one of those weeks where I'm feeling down. A lot.  I feel so overwhelmed by many things.

You know how they say that in law school, you have three options, i.e. sleep, a social life or studies.  At any one time, you can only choose two.  Or rather, two will be dominant and the remaining will be kind of secondary. Last semester, I kinda chose sleep and studies. My social life suffered a little.  This semester, I feel like I've only chosen sleep. Very imbalanced. Forever alone. Isolation can do a lot of damage to a person. That's what Mr Ganga said.  After a while, standing in a room full of people can also make you feel lonely.

I also have episodes of sadness that come once in a while.  I don't know how serious it is, exactly for it to even be construed as depression.  At what point do you seek medical help? Or is this just a normal up-and-down thing everyone experiences? One thing is for sure, it's that listening to the thoughts in my head can drive me crazy. Mr Ganga also told me that depressed people feel a sense of loneliness and helplessness.  That's exactly how I feel. Oh great.

When I was younger, I didn't have good stress management skills either.  So, when things got a little out of control, I used to eat Panadol (not overdose, mind you) aka Paracetamol to calm me down and make myself fall asleep. You can't feel down when you sleep, can you?  Of course, I don't do that anymore.  I have something new, that is, my workouts.  The endorphins make me high and I feel super good after running a few kilometres.  Unfortunately, that doesn't last very long and I can fall back into my old routine. Extreme highs and extreme lows. And when I think of the bad stuff, I just get a really bad feeling in my tummy and just feel like puking. Eww.

I remember watching a documentary on depression among teens and young adults.  A few of them say that the people around them have not always been supportive. "Oh, cheer up!", "Get out of this funk, will you?", "Are you crazy?" I wish it were really that easy. It's like, I can barely get out of my head even if I wanted to. The opposite end is when people feel so much pity for you, they treat you like a precocious child.

Watching shows like My Mad Fat Diary and movies like Perks of Being A Wallflower definitely got the waterworks going  Of course, those shows exhibit perhaps the extreme cases of depression.  I still feel it though, I understand the feelings those people have. It is very, very painful.

I'm not crazy. Just not in the best of spirits, most of the time.