Ventidue

Goodness, it has been months. I've been busy ending my third year of law school and completing my legal attachment.

Tis' been a satisfying year, I must say. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. Also, about my future and how I need to start planning early to avoid being caught in a time-freeze zone where I get indecisive and cannot move on with life.

I know it's not the end of the year yet and that it's not high time to review what I've learnt but I'm in the mood, so what the hell.  This year has been very rewarding and empowering for me. Throughout, the pattern has been such that I am constantly put on the spot where I need to make crucial decisions for myself. Thankfully, I mustered the courage and taken steps that are out of my comfort zone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have learnt that I can trust my own judgment on my autonomy. I need not consult people all the time to be able to come up with a well-thought and reasonable verdict.

My legal attachment has been an eye-opening experience.  The prospect of a career in the legal field doesn't seem as daunting as it was before. I now know that there are other options that exist out there. All I have to do is reach out and grab them.  I've also learnt that it's important to have work-life balance. You'll go crazy without it. I, for one, would probably need that equilibrium as I'm the kinda person who needs variety in life.  I cannot just have a desk-job. Finding the time can be a problem but it's by no means impossible.

Ventuno

The best part of crazy is that floating feeling. Like you only exist in a different dimension, untouched by the physical world but very much still affected by it. Of course, I'm talking about my depressed episodes.

Sometimes I would feel high and happy, others down and stuck in a place I don't like.

What I don't miss is that over-sensitivity. I felt too much happiness and sadness at frequent intervals. It became a tiring roller coaster right I couldn't get off. Glued to the seats, having to face every emotion thrown at my face.

Now, I'm better. I think. And hope.

Venti

So I read somewhere in the news that a man was found hung in his home somewhere in Singapore.  Statements from his family inferred that he was receiving treatment for clinical depression and was battling it out.

This makes me sad.  Depression is no game.  I feel sad when I hear people who have resorted to taking their own lives. It's not a phase you can simply snap out of.  If it were, there wouldn't be any depressed people at all cause all of us would be able to switch it on and off.

Help is always a phone call, a text message, away.  Sometimes to just be able to talk it out can help the situation.

I'm so glad that my depression phase is just hormonal and due to my PCOS.  I'm glad I got the help I required and that I understand why I felt how I did and now, I know better about how to control a little of what I feel most of the time.  I just wish everyone can have access to help just as easily.

Diciannove

The Malaysian politics is a very funny thing.  Yesterday was the day Malaysians left the comfort of their homes to get in line to elect the future of Malaysia.  All was well, and we even reached a record of more than 80% voter turnout.  A big number of first-time voters, represented by youths and people below the age of 40, came out and finally did what was right, i.e., vote.

I won't further give a commentary of how last night went because everyone knows what happened. It was all over social media, and many versions of it too! However, for those who've been living under a rock, BN won 133 Parliamentary seats and the Opposition got the remaining 89.

Many were distraught by the results last night, many first time voters who actually thought they could make the change by being the change. I honestly thought I could too. Having said that, we were the change.  Ubah already happened the moment we all decided to set foot outside and cast our votes.  Not all is lost. Many of us who are siding with the opposition, however, smelt the stench of foul play.  Black outs and the sudden appearance of ballot boxes, anyone?  Which brings us to the Elections Commission.  Dubious, very dubious indeed.  I don't care which political party you support, but the events that took place would definitely raise an eyebrow, no?

Now I don't want to rant about that anymore. Instead, I'd like to share my thoughts on the ideal Malaysian political scene. Or rather, just my ideal Malaysia lah. But before going to that, I'd first like to share my background. The events that took place that shaped my view of the world, my view of Malaysia.  So that you, my dear reader, can hopefully understand where I come from.

I'm a regular gal from Bangsar.  Bukit Bandaraya, to be exact.  I guess you can say I grew up in a middle-income family.  Not rich, but not exactly tight with money.  I owe this to both my parents, of course.  Both civil servants, who worked very hard to provide my sisters and I.  Taman Bukit Bandaraya is fairly a multi-racial area, though I do admit Malays are outnumbered by Chinese and Indians.  This is not a problem, though.  We get along very well, and our differences barely matter at all.  My appreciation for diversity really started when I went to Suria Kindergarten at the age of 6.  In many ways, Suria was a wonderful place to learn because we had students from Denmark, Australia, Japan, Korea and other countries.  Come primary school, there was a good mix of races in the class.  My first best friend was Jasmine, a cute Chinese girl who still, lives not even 5 minutes from my house.  Race didn't matter at all. We didn't care.  If someone was mean to us, it wasn't because their race dictated them to do so.  It was just their stinky attitude.  When I entered secondary school, it was quite similar.  However, there was this notion of "typical Malay", which is what one would call those from lower-income families who spoke little English and they would cause much trouble in school.  These people didn't really like me either.  I was in the top class, holding a good position in the Prefectorial Board, and speaking English.  In fact, I was bullied by them outside the confines of my classroom. They'd call me names, I'd get upset. The usual.  Yikes.

Matriculation next.  I had a culture shock.  All the way in Penang in some ulu place, where the racial make up was like 90% Malays, remaining Chinese and Indian. I found it hard at first to fit in, but I found a small group of friends as well as a group of KL kids.  The Malays, Chinese and Indian from other states are not like those from KL.  They find difficulty in conversing in a common language, which in effect, put a huge wedge between the different groups.  I survived that, and was glad to enroll in UM, and to be back in my hometown.

I've always had this idea of togetherness with all races.  If you say something racist and hurt my Chinese friend, I will defend her. If you hurt my Indian friend and call him derogatory names , I will defend him.  If you tease and hurt my Malay friend, I'd defend her.  The colour of your skin doesn't matter. My sense of right and wrong transcends racial and religious divides. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

Now on to my aspirations for the rakyat.

1. To have a government that does not play the racial card.  We are not what our ancestors were 50+ years ago. There's a better sense of community now. We want to fight corruption, cronyism, and many other common issues.
2. To have a rakyat that feels comfortable in voting for an election candidate that is of a different race.  If the person can do a good job, what does his race or religion matter? 
3. To have an Elections Commission that is neutral and non-partisan.  With no dubious behaviour and good accountability.  There is really no point for Malaysians to vote if the EC is biased.  Just sayin'.
4. To have better equality, with focus being on the development of the socio-economic status of the people.  To push the Malays into a being competitive race, so that the government won't have to continue to spoon-feed us.  To push the Indians into getting into the competition as well.  I think the Chinese are already doing well. Heh well at least better than the rest lah.
5. To eradicate racism on many levels. 

Racism has always been the bane of my existence. I don't understand it, I find it to be a form of backward-thinking, of narrow-mindedness. A blame game of who's worse, when really, all you have to do is look at your own weaknesses and fix them.

Yesterday's elections was bittersweet.  It was lovely, to get in line with my fellow Bukit Bandarayans to cast our vote.  There was no feeling of disparity, just a joint spirit of exercising our right to vote and electing the person we find fit to represent us. 

The results were disconcerting.  With the media commentaries (as well as some from our *ahem* new/old leaders), conjuring the racial card to explain the votes, most voters were left in disbelief.  Malaysia is already moving towards voting disregard of race.  Let's not go 2 steps back.  Out with the old, in with the new. 

With MIC and MCA being under-represented (or not at all?) in the Barisan National coalition, I worry for the future of Malaysia.  Where are we going? Where the ruling party represents one race and the opposition, the rest? Jangan jadi pecah dan perintah, sudah. We've come too far.  

Having said all that, I do enjoy harmless racial jokes.  Nothing offensive, of course. 

Jangan terasa. Ini hanya pendapat saya.

Diciotto

Yes, it's that time again. Time to vote, time to exercise your rights, time to show who rules the land.  Oh here I go with a political post.

Though some may say that the pre-election period, or the campaigning period, is just the tip of the iceberg and is viewed to be as just a teaser to what's in store, I find it to be nevertheless the most colourful time.  You really see people's true colours. I'm not just talking about the political leaders and their manifestos or their (empty?) promises. I'm also talking about Malaysians in general.  Your parents, your batch mates, your close friends. Surprise after surprise.

The conservative ones are rooting for the opposition.  As to the liberal ones? Some are for the opposition,  and some staying with the ol' coalition. I'm not saying this applies to everyone I know, but a notable number lah.   Now I have no real problem who you choose to vote for. It is your right, so you may exercise it as you please.

I'm just annoyed with people who are so vocal in criticizing the past government but are not doing anything to change it.  Not voting, and it's not due to technical stuff like tak sempat register.  Has the current funding from the government blinded you?  Oh, yes, they're corrupted and everything but look! They're giving us money, so they must be good for something?

Honey, that scholarship money you're using? Yes, that, is not the government's money.  It didn't come directly from the Prime Minister's pocket.  It's the people's money. Taxpayers' moolah.  So spend wisely, too.  So your education is funded by the people, hence, your allegiance should be to the people as well.  If you wanna play that card. What is a government but a formal structure, where we the people insert our representatives into to voice our concerns and opinions.

We have to think about the long run.  The long term goals.  You are given the choice, yes,  a choice, to determine the direction of the nation.  It's the power of the people, y'all!  I've heard this term before, "pro-government", as in "Oh, I am pro-government." What does that even mean? Do you even know what  makes a government?

I'm not usually someone who talks much about politics, but in the heat of the moment, I cannot resist.  TEEHEE

Diciasette

Sometimes, waiting for a doctor's appointment is like waiting for the judge to deliver your sentence.

Death row.

Sedici

Yesterday, I was sitting in Bangi Kopitiam before my Jurisprudence lecture and I was scanning the menu to find a beverage to drink.  It was more of a case of  "Nope, that has milk, that has milk, that has milk, that doesn't have milk but hell no am I paying that much for that, that has milk, that has milk..".  So I just settled for iced tea.  It was too sweet. Remember to order for less sugar next time.

Such is life, being a lactose intolerant. A selective lactose intolerant lah, since I can drink fresh cow's milk and only one brand of milk powder available in the market.  Fussy tummy!

My posts here have been getting shorter and shorter and shorter. :/

Quindici

Sometimes when life gets tough, all I want to do is be stripped off all worries and just live a simple life. Cultivate the land, take only what I need.  Be one with nature. Ommmm.

Nah, not really. I can't remember what my resolutions are this year, but I'm adding to the list, if it's not already on the list- to limit my time on social media. Like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr. Okay, perhaps not Tumblr. I need that for motivation to work out.

30-day squat challenge #3. BYE

Quattordici

Sometimes I get annoyed when people ask,

"Are you on a diet? Why are you eating so little?"

No, I'm not on a diet. I'm just eating in moderation. Eating little in comparison to you?
Somehow, the word "diet" is attached to the notion of eating little to starve yourself to lose weight.  There are better ways to lose weight than starvation.  But that's just how I feel about it.

I understand that a lot of people eat according to their whims and fancy, and perhaps seeing someone eat less or opt for healthier options may look a little out of the ordinary.  Get used to it.

I also have beef (no pun intended) with people who put down vegetarians or vegans.  To each his own, live and let live.  Especially if you are a meat-eater and suddenly start to go without, it requires so much self-control to refrain from eating meat.  I would know, I was a vegetarian for about 2-3 months back in college.  It required a lot of will power as well as creativity to see what can I substitute my meat with so that I can get sufficient protein.  One thing for sure, going veg sure makes you hungry fast.  No animal protein to keep you full for a long time, you see.  So you have to eat often to sustain a good energy level to keep going. Coming back to KL and living with the parents, I found it hard to go on being vegetarian as they habitually eat meat at home, and I'm too lazy to cook vegetarian meals for myself all the time.  Haha. Lazy bum. So as you can see, it's not like I gave in to temptation.  Now, I only eat seafood, chicken and occasionally, lamb, with a side of plenty vegetables.

The biggest highlight of going vegetarian, for me, is that clean peaceful feeling you get, knowing that you haven't consumed any poultry.  A certain lightness in your stomach.  I've never been vegan as I cannot live without eggs. If there's one thing I will not give up, it's eggs. And dairy products.

I wish there were more vegetarian options.  Especially in UM's campus. Okay, maybe outside too. Not just the typical Indian banana leaf, veggie burger and sad salad.  There's more to it than that.  More vegetarian stalls, shops, etc. please.  If you can prepare food and make sure it's halal and all that, you can sure as hell make vegetarian food available.

Just a Sunday rant.

Tredici

You meet a nice guy.
You get to know him.
You like what you find out.
You discover similarities.
He seems perfect.
You start thinking that you both would be a good match.
You have good times together.
He takes you on a roller coaster ride. Figuratively.
You start falling out.
You start seeing his stripes.
You start to bare yours.
The similarities are there, but he is what you were.
You've changed.
He's changed.
You go your separate ways.
He enters your life again, out of the blue.
Your feelings rekindle.

The similarities are there, but he is what you were.
You've changed.
He's changed.
You go your separate ways.
He enters your life again.
Once bitten, twice shy.
You leave your expectations at the door.
For good.
You miss what you had.
But you don't want to go back to square one.
So you carry on.
With a heavy heart.

Hey! I'm alright, peeps. Just reflecting. :)

Dodici

Foods that surprisingly taste good. To me, that is.

1. White sesame butter. It's like peanut butter, but made of sesame.
2. Black sesame ice cream. I used to hate anything with sesame, but I don't now!
3. Green tea.
4. Tofu.
5. Hummus.
6. Dark chocolate
7. Meringue. I mean it's basically whipped egg whites and sugar.
8. Spinach.
9. Cranberries (in salad).
10. Apple cider vinegar.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, to be honest.

Ciao!

Undici

Had a terribly terrifying day today. Che?

Depressing day, I mean. Finally mustered enough courage to confide in my mum about it. Let's just say that she was surprised of the state I was in but not so surprised that it came to this.

"You stay cooped up at home all the time.  You rarely go out with friends anymore.  You've stopped doing the things you love, like eg. I hardly hear you play your guitar anymore. You're either out running or at home sleeping."

The sad, sad truth. I never knew she was so observant.  :')

She kinda gave me a short lecture, basically telling me that I need to get a life.  She said that I'm making myself unhappy and that I need to hang out with my friends more. I need to make the effort. For the sake of my mental health. Endorphines are not enough.

This is the first time I actually went to my mum to tell her something this personal.  I'm glad I did. She even assured me that I'm not crazy, and that if need be, she'll ask her ex-colleagues at UMMC for medical advice.

Here's to hoping the following days will be better.

Dieci

It's just one of those weeks where I'm feeling down. A lot.  I feel so overwhelmed by many things.

You know how they say that in law school, you have three options, i.e. sleep, a social life or studies.  At any one time, you can only choose two.  Or rather, two will be dominant and the remaining will be kind of secondary. Last semester, I kinda chose sleep and studies. My social life suffered a little.  This semester, I feel like I've only chosen sleep. Very imbalanced. Forever alone. Isolation can do a lot of damage to a person. That's what Mr Ganga said.  After a while, standing in a room full of people can also make you feel lonely.

I also have episodes of sadness that come once in a while.  I don't know how serious it is, exactly for it to even be construed as depression.  At what point do you seek medical help? Or is this just a normal up-and-down thing everyone experiences? One thing is for sure, it's that listening to the thoughts in my head can drive me crazy. Mr Ganga also told me that depressed people feel a sense of loneliness and helplessness.  That's exactly how I feel. Oh great.

When I was younger, I didn't have good stress management skills either.  So, when things got a little out of control, I used to eat Panadol (not overdose, mind you) aka Paracetamol to calm me down and make myself fall asleep. You can't feel down when you sleep, can you?  Of course, I don't do that anymore.  I have something new, that is, my workouts.  The endorphins make me high and I feel super good after running a few kilometres.  Unfortunately, that doesn't last very long and I can fall back into my old routine. Extreme highs and extreme lows. And when I think of the bad stuff, I just get a really bad feeling in my tummy and just feel like puking. Eww.

I remember watching a documentary on depression among teens and young adults.  A few of them say that the people around them have not always been supportive. "Oh, cheer up!", "Get out of this funk, will you?", "Are you crazy?" I wish it were really that easy. It's like, I can barely get out of my head even if I wanted to. The opposite end is when people feel so much pity for you, they treat you like a precocious child.

Watching shows like My Mad Fat Diary and movies like Perks of Being A Wallflower definitely got the waterworks going  Of course, those shows exhibit perhaps the extreme cases of depression.  I still feel it though, I understand the feelings those people have. It is very, very painful.

I'm not crazy. Just not in the best of spirits, most of the time.

Nove

This morning, someone told me that I look like I've lost weight. I have. Later at night, someone else told me that I look like I've put on weight. I can't have packed on pounds in twelve hours!  This got me somewhat annoyed and I started looking at myself in the mirror. NO. I may have lost weight but I still wear my old clothes which, to be honest, look a tad baggy on my right now. Dammit, I'm wearing my jammies.

So, I'm making a judgment call to ignore the negative comments. I've been working my ass off for about 8 months and I'm not planning to throw all that away just because someone said something that doesn't quite please my ears. Ommmm...

It hasn't been an easy journey. I'll be honest. I've set my mind on losing these additional pounds I don't need. I started last semester and have been quite dedicated to the cause.  Not so much of a commitment-phobe after all. My studies have taken a back seat to my health but it hasn't really suffered that badly. Or at least that's what my last GPA showed. In fact, working out and eating clean has made me a lil' more attentive in class.

Semester two of this plan hasn't been that great. Last semester, I found time to work out in the morning quite easily because my classes were late in the afternoon.  This semester, argh. Morning classes, late tutorial preparations (okay this one is entirely my fault), bed too comfortable, and the list of excuses can go on forever.  It has been quite a struggle but I'm sure if I stick to a doable routine, results will speak for itself.

Here's a list of things I've learnt on my journey so far. I don't want to sound preachy, but hey, if it works for me (of all people), I'm sure it can work for you.

1. Eat breakfast. A lot of people don't, actually. It really makes a big difference. No time, my ass. It only takes about 5 minutes to prepare a simple sandwich on the go.
2. Eat clean. No junk food crap.  Okay, just kidding.  You can have them. Like, once a month or less. No fast food, no calorie-laden snacks that you know will just put you to snooze an hour after eating them. I haven't had fast food in ages. Technically, I don't eat them anymore. 
3. Portion control.  Know how much to eat, know what your body needs.  More greens, less carbohydrate, and proteins in moderation.  
4. Go brown. I don't mean go tan yourselves. I mean start consuming brown bread, brown rice, brown pasta(?). The wholemeal sort of stuff, I mean.  White rice and white bread won't keep you feeling full as long as these brown stuff can.
5. Whole foods, please.  The more processed it is, the worse it is for your body. Eat a frigging fruit already.
6. Drink plenty fluids.  This will not make you gain water weight. Quite the opposite, actually.  Your body will retain fluids when it is dehydrated, so drink up! Just plain water or tea.
7. Get your nutrition right before focusing on exercise. This is so damn important. You can't outrun a bad diet. There's also a saying that goes "Abs are made in the kitchen.".
8. Find a form of workout you enjoy, research about it (you don't want to sustain any injuries, do you?) and DO IT. 3-4 times a week, about 0.5-1 hour each time would suffice.  Start slow. 
9. Vary your exercises to keep you away from getting bored with the same old routine. Jog/run one day, play badminton or soccer another, etc.
10. Lift weights. I don't know about you, but my limbs kinda look bigger when I skip my workouts. Toning your muscles is so important, keeps them from getting weak on your off-days aka the days you just feel too damn lazy to work out. Haha
11. The only reason you get bulky when you carry weights is because there's still a layer of fat there that's making you look big. The more you work those muscles, the more fat you burn. The smaller you get. Unless you do want to get big and you drink those whey protein stuff I'm not a big fan of. 
12. Have a cheat  day. Eat whatever you like, but in moderation.  Remember that going overboard will just make your subsequent workouts harder.  Starting from square one is just so ughhhhhh.
13. Remember that it's not always about the numbers you see on the weighing machine.  It can't differentiate between fat mass and muscle mass. I learnt this the hard way. There are other ways to see your progress too. Like, how you feel in your old clothes and what you see in the mirror. Smaller calves, better muscle definition, no more double chin, stuff like that.
14. Squat if you want an awesome ass.
15. Don't get discouraged by slip-ups.  Sometimes, you won't feel like working out and this will occur for days in a row. It's okay. Just remember that tomorrow is a new day and you can start again then. 
16. Make time for all the above.  Life is short, don't make it any shorter by not taking good care of yourself.
17. It's helpful to have friends who have the same goals, i.e. to get fit, to get toned, or just release stress in a healthy manner.  Share tips, workout together or something.  For me, working out is mainly a personal activity I prefer to do solo. Having said that, it can be pretty refreshing to do it with a friend once in a while.
18. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. Fo'realz.

7 kgs, baby! And counting. And looking fab.

Otto

How many times would you attempt something? One bitten, twice shy? Or perhaps third time's the charm? Would a fool resort to the fourth?

Some call it persistence, some call it tomfoolery. Okay, who uses words like "tomfoolery" anymore? Some things, we just refuse to give up on. Perhaps because it means just that much to us. Or maybe it's because we just cannot get it through our thick skulls that some things are not meant to work. 

You don't know until you've tried. 

How many times must a person try before he or she can safely give up the pursuit?

Sette

What a long day.

Went to watch friends play futsal, headed off to dinner at around 8.45pm, ran an errand for sister and only got home around 12am.

I'll tell you this: I dislike driving at night. I really dislike driving at night, in the rain.  This is because I have astigmatism.  It's not so bad during the daytime but goodness me, I feel like I'm half blind at night. Technically, this means I have limited vision. Lights become blurry, can barely read road names, cannot estimate distances properly, sudden flashes of light practically blind me for a bit.  Sounds serious? Yes, definitely.  Will probably get my eyesight checked this weekend.  The whole time driving home tonight, I was  praying and hoping that nothing will happen to be. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. 

This gets me really worried, especially when I think about my attachment period.  How am I gonna drive home on my own, at night, and God forbid, it rains?

Need a driver/chauffeur. Or a boyfriend. Hahahahahaha...

Sei

Death is always a reminder to the living that life is short, temporary and unpredictable. You can't help but think when yours will end, when your loved ones' will. It's depressing, I know.  A relative passed away today. Two weeks ago, a distant cousin.  A few more people, as I've seen on friends' Facebook statuses.

I have terrible grief-management skills.  The first death I had to deal with was my nanny's death when I was around six, I think.  I just couldn't cry.  Perhaps I didn't fully comprehend the concept of death then. I felt sad, don't get me wrong. I just couldn't emote it outwardly.  Six years later, I lost my grandfather.  I loved him so much. "You're the best in the world," he would tell his grandchildren in his thick English accent.  Of course, there were more than one of us and we weren't experts on superlatives. Still, couldn't cope with the grief of loss. Years later, I found myself regretting for not properly managing my emotions.  I missed these people and it was too late. Anything felt years later feels irrelevant.  People have moved on.

Today's death kinda got to me.  You're never ready to lose your siblings.  From the moment you're born, these people have been in your life.  They may have been the bane of your existence sometimes, and the reason you're cheerful for the rest. I just hope mine keep safe enough. Can't imagine life without these clowns.

Cinque

8. Never make excuses.
Some call 'em excuses, some call 'em justifications. 'Nuff said. Hahahaha...I don't always make excuses, but there are some instances when doing so makes me feel better and keeps me calm.

9. Get absorbed into the present.
Live in the moment, they say. I admit overthinking the future. Need to take a breather and just live in the now.  Because we don't live forever.

Ergh, abort mission. Cannot go through to #22. Commitment-phobe. 

Quattro

I read a piece of article that's been shared on Facebook a lot lately, about happiness.  It says that there are two types of people in this world, namely, people who choose to be happy and those who choose to be unhappy.  While you'd think, "who in the world would choose unhappiness?", I think there are a huge number of people who do so, subconsciously. These people say that they do want happy, but are stuck in their own ways that make themselves unhappy. Maybe sometimes I'm one of them. I don't know. Maybe.

Anywho, here's a link to the article itself. The author also elaborated on 22 habits of happy people. So I'll go through them and see how they apply to me. Uh-oh.

1. Don't hold grudges.
Easier said than done.  Sometimes we're so stuck feeling victimised, we forget that the perpetrator is human too, subject to making mistakes and all that.  Would I say that I hold grudges? I'd be lying if I told you I didn't.  I'm learning to let go, though. Forgive, perhaps. Forget? Most definitely not.

2. Treat everyone with kindness.
I try to. Hahahaha... I'm generally a cheerful person to be around, I think. If I'm not, it's probably because I'm tired for some reason. Or PMS. Or when I'm impatient. Mehhh.

3. See problems as challenges.
Bullshit. When I see problems, I think "Ergh, why does this bull happen to me, of all people?" Because I'm such a perfect human being, nothing bad should ever happen to me. I'm being sarcastic, of course.  Some people think I'm serious when I'm being sarcastic and vice versa.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that's what I believe.  Something in nature is going to challenge you to see what sort of a person you really are.  You either rise to the challenge or not.  Go hard or go home?

4. Express gratitude for what they already have.
I am thankful for all that I have.  I find myself actually very lucky to have what I have.  Do I want more? Sure, who doesn't? Perhaps I don't express my gratitude as much as I'd like to.  Hmm, work on this.

5. Dream big.
Hah!  Getting old has proven to me that not all is wonderful at the end of the rainbow. I do have certain goals I'd love to fulfill. A great career, a promising future, a cat maybe? I guess I was a bigger dreamer when I was a kid.  No, it's not because I was fatter. The harshness of reality cuts deep. I remember telling my parents that I wanted to quit college, join a rock band and tour overseas. Obviously, that didn't happen.

6. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Ask my best friends who have known me for many years, they'd tell you that I sweat ALL the small stuff.  I'm a worrier. It runs in the family. Not a good excuse, though.  Having said that, I do exude a much more calm disposition towards disasters nowadays.  Not giving a rat's ass about things is very refreshing.

7. Speak well of others.
I really wish I could, all the time. However, I'm always torn between telling the honest, gospel truth about people and lying to protect their..er...defects. Though nowadays, I won't bother telling people about why X or Y or Z is a bitch.  People will discover it in their own time. I just have to sit and wait.  Ratting off about others' bad attitude would only reflect my bad attitude.  I can only hope others will do the same for me. Heh.

To be continued.

Tre

Physically exhausted by mentally, feel like I could write an essay on the history of potato or something.  Ran for half an hour and did another half an hour of weights and toning. Needless to say, my limbs were crying for me to stop.

I'm currently having one of those weekends where I don't really want to do anything. Heck, most of my weekends are like that anyway.

So today I went to the library in hopes of getting some work done for Banking tutorial prep. Alas, that didn't happen.  Spent about 10 minutes reading cases and the remaining of an hour Tumblr-ing and Youtube-ing.  Then, after, went to meet up with a senior who graduated law school.  Just to catch up and what not. He says I'm overthinking my future and putting non necessario pressure on myself.  I suppose getting so near to the finish line, to having a full-fledged degree, kinda creeps me out.  You see, I'm still 18 years old in my mind. I feel unready to be thrown into the work force. Denial.

I was watching Glee about an hour ago and basically the theme of the episode was something along the lines of taking chances. On doing something you don't want to, or are not ready for, to taking chances on relationships and etc.  I rarely take chances. I've always been the cautious type. I'm not saying that I cannot be spontaneous. I just constantly have to think things through before doing anything out of the ordinary. Oh God, I sound like a bore. I sound as if every move I make is premeditated.  NO.

I suppose that some risks are worth taking. Like in relationships (referring to Brittany and Sam's, by the way).  Sorry for the spoilers.  You don't know until you throw yourself out there.  I'd rather throw myself in front of a moving train. Oh, so very Bruno Mars. Yes, I'm that terrified.  Yikes!

Having said that, I guess it's time for a little experiment. For the following week, to take chances. Take a risk.  Little things. See where that gets me. Just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies. Okay, so maybe I'll take calculated risks. But that's against the point.

Oh fuck.

Due

Ah, another uneventful day in the life of Nin.  So perhaps today I'm going to talk about standards. Oooo sounds like a serious topic? Well kinda-sorta-not-really.  What I really mean I guess is the standards we set for ourselves, or rather the expectations we impose on ourselves.

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, someone told me that I judge others like I judge myself.  What I really mean is that the expectations I put on myself, I use as a bar to measure others' behaviour. For instance, I would never lie to a friend about something important, hence I expect the same of others.  The trouble is, not everyone acts like we expect them to.  Not everyone has the same set of morals. Sounds jurisprudence-y? No two people are the same. We're not robots, programmed to be identical.

Well the point my friend was making is that when I set high expectations on myself, I expect the same from others and this often leads to disappointment. At least that's what I think he's trying to say. And I would get really mad at  people who break these moral codes that I've set for myself, resulting in the destruction (wow, drama) of friendship, relationship, etc. I'm not saying the people around me have a lower standard of morality. I'm just saying that we all have different ideas about morality. And that is okay. Someone may expect more of me, and I might not meet him or her at that point.

I would get super upset and go "Why would X do that to me?! I would never do that to X or any other person for that matter." It's all karma, right? BUT NO.  Not everyone thinks like I do, hence how can I expect them to think through their actions in the same manner?

Perhaps my notion of standards stem from my upbringing, especially when Mom would go "You only got second place in class??? Who got first? How many marks difference?" in a very Asian-parent way. Not saying all Asian parents are like this, by the way.  My Mom wouldn't really raise her voice or scold me but she did ask those kinda questions and I guess they left a mark? Anyways I'm an adult, I don't need to be affected by those things anymore.

After accepting and admitting that I do sometimes set ridiculously high standards (don't confuse high standards with high maintenance, okay? I'm anything but high maintenance. With exceptions to the general rule, of course, eg. don't ever give me reverse osmosis water and tell me it's mineral water I know the difference!), I kinda learnt to let go a little. Let people be. Some people are asses, heck sometimes, I'm an ass too. I try not to be, though. No point trying to teach them how to behave. Adults make their own choices. I also learnt to forgive, due to this newfound discovery of mine. People make mistakes, yeah, pfffft get over it, Nin.  As a result, I'm much more of a relaxed person now. I just don't give that much of a fuck anymore. :)

Soooo cin cin to that!

(Cin cin is an informal way of saying "cheers!" in Italian)

Uno

Nothing beats a clean slate.  I could not continue with my old blog. I was reading through my old rants and found that I was a very angry person. I still have a temper now, but it pales in comparison to how I was then.

So, I was chatting with a friend and I was telling her of my admiration of her not giving a fuck about putting her thoughts out there.  Okay, she does give a fuck. She's just smarter about the ones she gives now.

I guess I just created this blog just to pen down my thoughts. Sometimes too much goes on in my head and I can't think straight. Perhaps this will help. I sure hope so.

Julie Powell compared the difference between having a diary and a blog. In a diary, a person can write whatsoever he wants.  His security is that his writings will not be published nor shown to everyone, or so he hopes.  A blog, on the other hand, is like an open book. Accessible to those who have access to the Internet (I hate calling it the Internet. Makes me feel old). There is no security, no protection against backlash, unless I modify the privacy settings, which I do not intend to.

SO COME WHAT MAY.

Come at me, bruh.